Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Burned Out

I want to say in advanced that I know this post will sound like it is completely opposite from my last one.  That's because it is, and this is my life right now.  So just bare with a little complaining from me for once.  It will help for me to know that I told the world how I feel rather than wish that others could be a little more sensitive to me but not knowing how to tell them that.

I know that it is really very normal for couples to get burned out about adoption, IVF, treatments and the such... But I seem to be at an all time low!  I feel like it doesn't matter what we try, it doesn't work.  I'm almost ready to throw in the towel and say, "Ok Heavenly Father, I suppose we are just not supposed to have kids in this life.  Let me start working on being ok with that now."

Of course I know that I NEED to keep having faith.  I NEED to be patient.  I NEED to be positive.  It's hard!  I do have faith, I try to be patient, and I'm always looking for the positive in our situations.  I just need one moment of weakness to say that I'm starting to get tired of being and doing all of those things!  I NEED help! That's what I need.  I need to find hope in other peoples stories and experiences.  I need to feel like everything is not about 'baby this or baby that'.  I need my friends and family to realize that yes I am learning and growing from my experiences, yes I feel good about the things I have learned, but my arms still ache for a baby.  It is not easy for me to watch the thing I want most pass me by, while this very thing seems to bless the lives of everyone else.  I'd like for others to think about that when it looks like everything is just fine with me and I've got a brave face on!  I know this sounds awfully selfish, but it would help so very much.

Ok, with that off of my chest I feel better.  I do have faith that I will be a mother.  It is one of my greatest desires and I know it will be fulfilled one day.  I'm so grateful for all of you that are mindful of my situation and lend me support.  I'm especially grateful for all of my cute little students!! I feel immense love from them when I see them at church, around town or at the football game :).  So I'm glad that I can fill up the little space in my heart with them for now.  Some days it is hard to be reminded that my little girl or boy should be sitting in on my classes with me learning right along with everyone else!  Hopefully that will be the case someday.

For now I will do my best to be grateful for everything going on in my life!  For how busy it is, which helps me to focus my time on others rather than myself.  For Doug's love and support, even while he is going through the same experiences.  And especially for my Savior and the knowledge that He knows what I am going through.  So hopefully with that I can keep my flame going.  Help me add to the fuel so that I don't get burned out.  If nothing else I will scrape through this experience with the flame still going even if it is a little smaller and weaker.


Leslie said...

So, I know we didn't have to wait initially as long and you are having to do for our miracles...so I can't fully understand what you are feeling, but I really do get it. It's a little hard to see all my friends welcoming new babies and realize that I won't have another miracle come. Even though I am at peace with our situation, it still makes me feel a little sad. The only thing I can tell you is...I have a real testimony of the Lord's timing. I know it doesn't help those feeling all that much, but I know that He knows you and loves you and that He has amazing things in mind for you Jessica! I am so proud of the way you forge ahead and do so with faith. Let's do lunch one of these days so we can really talk! ok? Love you!!!

Doug & Jessica Hansen said...

Thanks Leslie! I'd love to do lunch, though it will have to be an early lunch because of my music class at 1:15. Like 11:30 sometime? I'd love a brake from work work work right now :)!

Traci said...

I know I can't relate to what you're going through and I am sorry if I have ever been unsensitive, but I think about you and Doug and I pray for you every day. And it's not with pity, it's with faith that things will work out and hope that they'll work out soon! Lainy prays for you every night and thinks about you during the Sacrament. Brad does too. So when you're feeling hopeless, just know that we are always hoping and praying for you. Maybe that will carry you through until you find your hope again. We love you!

Richelle said...

I'm sure nothing I can say can help too much. I wish I was just there so I can give you a hug. I wish I could tell you how it will all work out. Sometimes I wish I knew the answers in my own life. We just have to have faith that things will work out the way Heavenly Father wants. A talk I read recently really helped me:


We are praying for you.

Rach said...

I hope you know how much we love you and pray for you and Doug. You are totally amazing Jess, you have so many talents that are blessing so many people. We all face different trials and challenges and although I don't know what you're going through I do know it will all work out and make sense some day. You're a fighter and I know you'll get through this. Just know that you are so loved and prayers are always being sent your way!

Heather Williams said...

Jessica, this is heather williams, i visit your blog every once in a while and appreciate your honesty. You have every right to write how you are feeling and it helps us who don't know your situation be more sensitive and think of your needs. we will pray for you guys...you and doug will be such good good parents because you are just good people. I don't know all your pain but I am impressed with your faith in all of this. Something great is ahead of you guys...it just is! keep being strong, when you do get that precious little baby in your arms, he/she will just mean that much more and will be loved that much more from you and everyone. You will be greatly blessed for all of this.

Alex and Sarah said...

Is there any right way to grieve from a failed IVF? There isn't. I remember driving in the car to just scream my guts out and cry without having anyone hear me. This life just sucks sometimes. Infertility is the worst thing I've been through and I wouldn't want to wish it on anyone.

You have every right to be burned out. You have every right to wish it was your turn. You have every right to not take "good" news from others well. You have every right to feel you faith is tested beyond endurance. You have every right to feel negative right now.

I would never tell someone that infertility was an easy journey for me. It was a living hell sometimes. The waiting and not knowing which direction to turn can be unbearable.

Take as much time as you need over this new loss. Don't rush through the stages because you think you need to have faith and be positive. People kept telling me I was so strong to go through everything. You know what? I never felt strong, I never felt in control, I never felt like I was "grieving" well or handling the loss well. Looking back at it I know that I did the best I could at the time. I regret many things but I really FELT each stage and I don't regret that. When my miracle came, even through so much suffering, is when I felt the reason for those feelings.

Don't be hard on yourself through this. Please don't. When I felt no hope or faith during the journey, it just made it sweeter when I finally saw the blessings in my life. I don't think I would have appreciated them otherwise in the same way.

I remember one particular night that I prayed for the burden to be lifted from me. I prayed earnestly for the desire of having children be taken from me because it was so painful. It was a low point in my life. I remember thinking of Jesus in the Garden asking Heavenly Father for the great burden to be lifted from him. I saw that story in a completely different light. Here was a perfect being with perfect faith who could hardly bare what he had to do. Then the realization that His burden wasn't lifted from Him either. He prayed and His request wasn't given. This wasn't because he didn't have faith. This is the story I go back to when I have hard days and unanswered prayers.

Hang in there Jessica, I can't promise you when your miracle will happen, but I will promise that this heartache will lessen in the future. Sorry for the long comment.

Rachelle said...

(disclaimer, part of this is gospel according to Rachelle)

I believe that God understands when we lack faith during our trials. He expects them to be difficult and for us to struggle with them, or else, it wouldn't be a trial. There's something that Jeffrey R. Holland said that I like to remember when I'm having a hard time, "Christ knows better than all others that the trials of life can be very deep and we are not shallow people if we struggle with them."

I don't know what God's ultimate plan is for you, but I do know that we all have hard days, and that our Heavenly Father understands that, and that hard days are not a reflection of our lack of faith. I know, you know, that ultimately everything will work out, but somedays its harder to remember that.

Cameron and Vanessa said...

Hey Jess, wow I loved your post and your honesty. I really liked Sarah's comment cuz I know she has been there too. President Uchtdorf's talk at the Relief Society broadcast hit me so hard when he talked about wanting the Golden Ticket. That is so me and I am sure you feel the same way to some extent. You are amazing Jessica!

Lara said...

Amen, sister! You have every right to get burned out and tired and frustrated and wonder why and when. It's a hard trial. Unfortunately, the struggle is a big part of it too. But your patience and your tears will be consecrated for your benefit and your baby will be loved all the more because of it. (((Hugs)))