Thursday, August 4, 2011

Something I Need to Write Down

Disclaimer: This post is super long and gets kind of personal so....if you really aren't that interested, don't care or don't have time, don't worry about it.  It's more for me than anyone else anyways : )

This is hard for me to put down.  It makes it seem too real....or more than I should be able to handle.  I don't want to dwell on it, and I'm certainly not seeking pity, but I've seen huge blessings through it all and I need to write it down.  Since this is my journal of sorts, I know that I will want to go back and read it.  And yes I do need my friends and family to know me a little more, cause I do need their support, so here goes.

Doug and I have been on the adoption list for almost 10 months now.  It seems like forever, yet it has gone so fast.  In about March we kept feeling like our family needed to start now!  It was an urgent feeling.  A feeling that kept me thinking that there was something specific we were supposed to be doing.  I wondered if we needed to look at another adoption agency.  One that placed more babies, more quickly.  So I began looking around.

Every agency I looked at felt wrong.  I wanted them to be right because that meant that I didn't have to wait anymore.  That I could end up with a baby in a month to 6 months.  But those thoughts were purely selfish and full of impatience.  I knew in my heart that none of them felt right.  We finally found a christian based agency that was much more affordable and I loved it!  I felt so good about it!! The only catch was they only accepted 10 to 15 applicants a month.  Over 200 people applied every month!  So I just thought well if this is right, we have to apply and it will work out.

I applied and went crazy waiting for 2 weeks to hear if we had been accepted.  Finally I got an e-mail letting us know that they didn't have a spot for us at that time but we could wait 6 months and apply again.  It was hard to feel like we needed to be doing something but had no idea what on earth we needed to do!  Adoption was obviously not working out for us in the time frame I felt so strongly about.  We decided to pray about all of our options again, which made me feel like we were back at square one except for 3 1/2 years later!

Doug had talked about In Vitro Fertilization (IVF) a lot when we first started talking about our options.  I was always too scared to consider it.  Too scared of what would happen if it didn't work.  What would happen to me emotionally?  What about our finances? It would just seem too final if it didn't work!  I didn't think I could handle that!!  So when he brought it up again, I was surprised to feel more open to it, even hopeful by it.  We prayed and prayed about it.  And finally felt 100% that it was the right thing for us to try at that time in our lives!  I made an appointment with a clinic in Salt Lake and felt happier and more hopeful than I had in a long time!  My life felt at peace.  We had a plan and it felt so right!

They say that when you get comfortable Heavenly Father has to stir things up a little so you won't get too comfortable and stop learning things.  Well that is for sure!  2 days after I made an appointment my caseworker called.  Wouldn't you know it!  There was a birthmom interested in us with about 5 other couples.  She wasn't picking us for sure but she wanted to e-mail us.  I was so confused!  I look back now and know this was a trial of our faith.  A stumbling block to strengthen our faith in our confirmation of what was right.

For days I struggled wondering what this all was supposed to mean!  Were we really that bad at following the spirit?  Was Heavenly Father throwing adoption in our faces because that's what He told us to do in the first place?  What did this birthmom's interest mean????  I was a mess for a few days!  I couldn't sleep, I was horrible for conversation because I let this dilemma consume every second of every day!

I prayed for guidance and comfort.  For the littlest peace of mind so that I could see our situation clearly.  Heavenly Father is very good to us!  I instantly felt my mind clear so that I could have a real clear thought process.  We had received confirmation to go ahead with IVF.  It was strong and true a few days ago.  I still felt that confirmation towards IVF, while thinking about adoption and the birthmother filled me with confusion.  We didn't even know if this birthmother was really interested in us.  

And in the middle of thinking all of this the light bulb flickered on.  I am grateful for the inspiration of the Spirit while you are going through a trial.  I had a moment of pure understanding. As we go through making a decision, faith isn't only exercised in receiving the answer.  We had to exercise faith in following through with that answer.  Heavenly Father will continue to try our faith, even after we have acted upon the answer received.  I decided right then and there that we knew IVF was the right choice for us.  If it didn't work it was still the right choice for us.  I couldn't look back on it and say 'Oh we shouldn't have done that!  It was a waste of our time and money! or Maybe we just didn't really know and were hoping this was the right answer for us.'   I'm so grateful for this opportunity to learn this hard lesson!  It made it so easy to go forward with faith from that time on.  We were ok with our choice no matter what the outcome was.

So I was at peace.  We discussed the fact that the birthmom looking at us had so many wonderful choices in adoptive couples.  We needed to leave her out of our thoughts and go forward.  And we did!  Everything happened so quickly.  We had a phone consultation on a Tuesday and then started meds on the following Friday.  My wonderful bosses gave me the two weeks off I needed so I could stay in Salt Lake and be monitored.  My beautiful, amazing mother came and stayed with me in Salt Lake while Doug got things done at home.  And the whole time I was happy, at peace, and 100% positive!  This was our answer and everything had to work out.  I just knew it!

Things went so well during the whole procedure.  We were able to get 16 eggs (wow!), 9 fertilized and we had 5 or 6 that were very good to choose from.  We picked two 'beautiful' embryos and had the transfer done.  The only time I had an emotional crisis was when a teenager backed into our parked car the day before our embryo transfer!   We felt so excited and couldn't wait for our positive pregnancy test.  

After the transfer we headed home and I took it easy for the two week wait.  I let everyone lift everything for me.  I didn't exert myself and I just couldn't help sitting there planning and thinking what things would be like.  At that point we were expecting in my mind.  That baby was real to me!  

5 days before our blood test was scheduled I started to spot.  It was the first time I worried.  The first time I thought that it possibly didn't work.  The nurses reassured me that it was completely normal but, I think I knew deep down that it hadn't worked.  It was hard and a complete surprise!  We had felt so strongly that IVF was the right choice, and if it was the right choice, well then it was supposed to work.  Right?  I tried to stay positive and hopeful and wait until I had a blood test to confirm one way or another.  But at the same time I prepared myself for the thought that it hadn't worked.  I am so grateful for this time I had to process it before it was a for sure negative.  I felt comfort from the Lord and my husband that no matter what happened, it would be ok.  I knew that it was the right thing from the beginning and that I needed to continue to exercise my faith.

Finally 3 days later I got a full flow and had my answer.  I went in for the blood test as scheduled and received the negative result.  Honestly it was so hard but almost a relief to let go of the hope that it still worked, when I knew deep down it hadn't.  We don't know why it didn't work when it seemed like it couldn't have gone better.  But we don't question the fact that we tried it.  Maybe it was so we could learn how to have complete faith, even after things didn't work out the way we wanted them to.  We still have that faith and we aren't giving up hope.  We have some frozen embryos we might try in the future.  And as always we are so hopeful for adoption. Oh and the birthmom interested in us never e-mailed.  She ended up picking someone else before she contacted us. 

I look back and feel so blessed to have had complete faith in something that didn't turn out the way we had hoped!  I am grateful for the things I learned through this experience that apply to every aspect of my life!  And I'm extremely grateful for the people who were there to love and support us.  Honestly it is probably one of the hardest things we've gone through and yet we are so ok.  We are sad about it, it is hard, but at the same time we can only change how we react to it and deal with it.  I wake up and I think today is a good day!  I have a lot to look forward to and I really am happy right now! 

I am also grateful for the windows that open as doors are shut.  I have been able to get certified and start a piano program geared toward teaching 4 and 5 year olds called Let's Play Music.  It is just perfect for me and has given me something to focus a lot of time and energy on.  It is the biggest financial blessing as well!!  I have 5 classes filled!!! That means 35 little cuties that I get to interact with, love, and teach.  It also means we will have the financial means to continue doing what we need to to start our family.  This last week I realized I hadn't even thought about the 'dreaded failed IVF'.  
Not even once : ).  
So though it is hard and we still aren't expecting that baby we desire so much, I really am at peace.  It might be hard to understand how.  It really doesn't seem like I should be ok, but with the Lord's help and an eternal perspective everything is OK!  So don't call me super strong or so amazing or put me in an awesome light.  Because it's not me, it's my Heavenly Father and the Atonement of Jesus Christ. With them we can really do anything.  

Do we still really really want a baby?  You better believe it!  More than we've ever wanted anything in the world!  But we can wait a little longer.  So sorry this was longwinded and drawn out but I needed to write this down and let you all know that we are very much ok.