Thank You!

Thank you everyone for you comments, love and support.  I'm truly grateful for your kind words and encouragement.  It is very nice to know that while others may not understand WHAT I'm going through, we all understand how trials affect us and can relate to each other on a level that allows us to lend support.

Thank you Sarah for sharing your thoughts on how even as the Savior, who is perfect, suffered in the Garden, He asked that His burden might be lifted from him.  It is one more way for me to find comfort in the Savior and gives me strength.  Sometimes it is hard not to beat myself up because I feel that by asking for the burden to be lifted, I am asking if I can just give up.  I need to remember that what I'm asking for is comfort and the ability to bear my burdens.  And there is no reason to feel guilty about that!

It is interesting how 'weak' I have felt lately.  I have never thought about it in a way where I tell myself that I am not weak but that the trial may just be maxing out my strength.  When I look at it that way I have a greater desire to build up more strength to make it through.  And with that comes hope, which I have to cling to when things are hard.

I am so blessed to have you wonderful people to share in my trials.  I do feel strength from you.  I feel your prayers and I see God answer them in my life all the time.  I have had such sweet blessings this week that I can't ignore!  The little miracles were most definitely prayed here.  Even in the midst of what seems like the hardest time I've ever had, I have seen the little miracles.  I will have to share them sometime but for now just know that I am blessed by your prayers and faith.  Thank you for having some on my behalf, when I had none left.

Burned Out

I want to say in advanced that I know this post will sound like it is completely opposite from my last one.  That's because it is, and this is my life right now.  So just bare with a little complaining from me for once.  It will help for me to know that I told the world how I feel rather than wish that others could be a little more sensitive to me but not knowing how to tell them that.

I know that it is really very normal for couples to get burned out about adoption, IVF, treatments and the such... But I seem to be at an all time low!  I feel like it doesn't matter what we try, it doesn't work.  I'm almost ready to throw in the towel and say, "Ok Heavenly Father, I suppose we are just not supposed to have kids in this life.  Let me start working on being ok with that now."

Of course I know that I NEED to keep having faith.  I NEED to be patient.  I NEED to be positive.  It's hard!  I do have faith, I try to be patient, and I'm always looking for the positive in our situations.  I just need one moment of weakness to say that I'm starting to get tired of being and doing all of those things!  I NEED help! That's what I need.  I need to find hope in other peoples stories and experiences.  I need to feel like everything is not about 'baby this or baby that'.  I need my friends and family to realize that yes I am learning and growing from my experiences, yes I feel good about the things I have learned, but my arms still ache for a baby.  It is not easy for me to watch the thing I want most pass me by, while this very thing seems to bless the lives of everyone else.  I'd like for others to think about that when it looks like everything is just fine with me and I've got a brave face on!  I know this sounds awfully selfish, but it would help so very much.

Ok, with that off of my chest I feel better.  I do have faith that I will be a mother.  It is one of my greatest desires and I know it will be fulfilled one day.  I'm so grateful for all of you that are mindful of my situation and lend me support.  I'm especially grateful for all of my cute little students!! I feel immense love from them when I see them at church, around town or at the football game :).  So I'm glad that I can fill up the little space in my heart with them for now.  Some days it is hard to be reminded that my little girl or boy should be sitting in on my classes with me learning right along with everyone else!  Hopefully that will be the case someday.

For now I will do my best to be grateful for everything going on in my life!  For how busy it is, which helps me to focus my time on others rather than myself.  For Doug's love and support, even while he is going through the same experiences.  And especially for my Savior and the knowledge that He knows what I am going through.  So hopefully with that I can keep my flame going.  Help me add to the fuel so that I don't get burned out.  If nothing else I will scrape through this experience with the flame still going even if it is a little smaller and weaker.